Acting Log:
My struggle with being vulnerable (Part 3)

I have been thinking about this issue for a while and realized that I have been dealing with an issue for a long time.

For a long time, I have had to deal with my anxieties in a variety of manners.  I have removed a lot of the sources of my anxieties over the years.  And the reason I did this, to begin with, was that I do not like to feel helpless.  I suppose no one likes it, but at the core is the issue it’s unique to that person.

At my core, is utter sadness and sheer anger.  When I feel that helplessness, I act from my sadness and anger.  This has left me prone to acting like a jerk; even though there is a perfectly acceptable justification for my sadness and anger.   The truth is, the fire of this sadness and anger is really enticing, however destructive it is.  And I am afraid of doing something that I may not be able to, or simply don’t feel like recovering.

I am ok being a jerk on my own terms, on carefully thought of terms.  But I don’t want to do something that I haven’t thought of.  After all, it’s always a game, and the best way to play the game is to play the long game.  The long game requires a lot of foresight, and the short-term gratification of acting on emotions could be detrimental for the long game.  So, feeling helpless is the last thing I want to feel.

That being said, I have to find a way to deal with those base emotions of sadness and anger.  I have to find their roots within me and fix them.  So, that’s where I am now, personally.  Acting wise, my journey to being vulnerable will begin after I have had dealt with these emotions.

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