I have been thinking about this issue for a while and realized that I have been dealing with an issue for a long time.
For a long time, I have had to deal with my anxieties in a variety of manners. I have removed a lot of the sources of my anxieties over the years. And the reason I did this, to begin with, was that I do not like to feel helpless. I suppose no one likes it, but at the core is the issue it’s unique to that person.
At my core, is utter sadness and sheer anger. When I feel that helplessness, I act from my sadness and anger. This has left me prone to acting like a jerk; even though there is a perfectly acceptable justification for my sadness and anger. The truth is, the fire of this sadness and anger is really enticing, however destructive it is. And I am afraid of doing something that I may not be able to, or simply don’t feel like recovering.
I am ok being a jerk on my own terms, on carefully thought of terms. But I don’t want to do something that I haven’t thought of. After all, it’s always a game, and the best way to play the game is to play the long game. The long game requires a lot of foresight, and the short-term gratification of acting on emotions could be detrimental for the long game. So, feeling helpless is the last thing I want to feel.
That being said, I have to find a way to deal with those base emotions of sadness and anger. I have to find their roots within me and fix them. So, that’s where I am now, personally. Acting wise, my journey to being vulnerable will begin after I have had dealt with these emotions.