Acting Log:
What makes me angry

Anger is a powerful thing. What makes me angry?

The first word that comes to me is “stupidity”, mine or others. If I think a bit more, I realize that it’s my inability to do something about it, is what makes me angry. My “frustration” makes me angry.

….

I have a massive intellect, I am extremely observant and I can connect the dots. I don’t just see it abstractly as everyone being connected, I connect the dots and see the web clearly. I lost my will to live (not to be confused with “to kill myself”), and that enabled me to see all clearly. I see the web.

This understanding has led me to see where we need to change, as a species and society, and I can see that it’s possible. But the amount of change required is massive and I just feel so very small in the face of it.

Feeling small makes me angry towards myself, and I realize that it’s just a destructive feeling. So, I act with my head and the first thing that I tell myself is that my anger is just my way, my inferior way, of dealing with what’s going on around me. So know that I am in control of how I feel and I can choose not to feel angry.

I feel angry towards myself when I act small, and I feel angry towards others when they act smaller than what they are.

Though I know that there is no one person to blame for it all. We live in a time when blinds are leading blinds.

I don’t like feeling small. I don’t like to make others feel smaller as well. I just want them to rise up from where they have sunk themselves.

So, my anger quickly turns to frustration and then turns to sadness.

I have gone on a tangent and I still don’t know what makes me angry.

Anger, frustration and sadness are like a part of the same 3-sided coin for me. The only way I know how to deal with my anger is to be a better me, and I am trying to be a better me all the time. So anger doesn’t stay for long with me.

What makes me angry? When I can’t figure something out. The solution is to either give up or immerse myself deep into it till I can figure out; even if takes a lifetime. I guess I have found a way to run away from my anger. I guess my anger is present, somewhere deep down inside of me, and it hasn’t left me completely.

For this exercise, I am thinking about the people I care. If someone did something to them, I do feel that need to take revenge; and boy do I fantasize about it. But that fantasy becomes methodical and intellectual and turns into a cat and mouse game where I want the would-be victim (and his loved ones and all) to know that it was me, and not get caught by the authorities of the law. I have the perfect justification of why I took such actions, I have also escaped the law and I have done at least one thing in my life that holds at least some meaning for however long it is for. It turns into a game to satisfy my ego.

I do feel anger whenever I am interrupted. But that is on the scale of a mild annoyance than full-on anger. The only way I can stay angry is if it is strong enough to overpower my head. It would have to be in the pure “rage” zone.

I am starting to think that anger may not be an entirely natural human trait. But if I don’t use my head then I cannot move past the initial anger. So, maybe it natural and as humans, we can overcome it.

While writing this, I am in the car. And I got mad at another driver for being stupidly foolish and almost causing collisions twice. But he was just stupid. And if I didn’t use my head, I would have stayed angry at the other driver; for apparently no use other than my own personal self-boasting egoistic need.

I guess that’s why the most common phrase uttered by an angry person is “I am going to teach someone a lesson”; as if boasting self-superiority. I guess that’s where the word “stupid” arises from within me and hence when I feel anger.

And yes anger can be a great motivator, to do something amazing, but the risk is that it can be destructive.

If I am to teach someone a lesson, then I have chosen the path of least resistance and talk it out with the other person. Be calm and rational and if I sense that the other person is not going to be calm then take necessary precautions while being calm myself. It’s better to put some sense into someone without the “shouting” nature of the emotion of anger.

I don’t know what makes me angry, though I know I have it in me. Or may it’s just wishful thinking. I don’t know. I will have to explore more…

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